I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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