somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
