Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize