I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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