Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
