A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just threw up on my dentist
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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