is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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