Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
