i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Randomize
