i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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