you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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