he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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