he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize