girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
