he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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