Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
