I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
