I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
