Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize