Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You are the jesus of drinking
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
