i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
