Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
