Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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