I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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