my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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