dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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