Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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