Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
