im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I love you.
Bad choice
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
