Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
