none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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