Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
