I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
