That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
