note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
