I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How external is "for external use only"?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
