when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
that is very illegal...i love you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
