i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
