I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
