you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
