Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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