he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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