My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
