Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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