Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she smelled like a LAN party
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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