Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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