I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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