I faked an abortion last night.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
