if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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