I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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