Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
