she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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