My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize