Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize