Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
