The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
