I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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