Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize