a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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