I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
