Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I didn't shave. On purpose
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
