Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
