Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
