if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
