How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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