A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
